Long week

It’s been another long week. Too many hours working, too little hours getting to rest.

And what little rest I’ve had. Work has simply been what it’s been. Same old, same old. Just working too much, too little appreciation. But it is what it is. The fact is I still have a job, and despite appreciation, I do enjoy what I do.

On the other hand……

So I’ve been dating this guy for about 6 months now. I actually tried to end it a couple months ago, I knew it wasn’t something I wanted and that he wasn’t right for me, but he really didn’t want it to be over and well, he really has some good aspects. So I gave it a little more time. That was a bad idea. As came to light this last week.

So I posted last weekend that I messed up. I got myself a DUI. Not a good thing, especially where I live, as our state is all about penalizing DUI’s more than any other infracture of the law. But the fact is I am guilty, I have to suck it up and deal with it. I’m ok with that. Well, I accept that, not necessarily ok with it.

But the big thing is what came with last weekend besides the legal issues. The guy I’ve been dating apparently had an issue with me going out by myself. A big issue. He has been accusing me of cheating all week and looking through my phone after I’ve fallen asleep. I did tell him what happened. I was a little hesistant, because I was embarrassed about being pulled over, but I had no issue telling him I had gone out to the pool hall.

Apparently, though, choosing to go out somewhere without him hanging on me and smacking my ass is a total indication of cheating and means that I deserve to have all of my privacy violated and that I deserve to be grilled on any and every person who chooses to email or text me. Earlier this week, an old boyfriend texted me out of the blue. Very little was said, he asked how I was doing, and it ended with him saying to take care and that he was deleted my number from his online backup so he wouldn’t be bugging me again. But he searched my phone, didn’t read anything that was actually said, then grilled me about who the hell it was. Seriously???

Ok, was that bad enough? Nope. So Saturday night he came over. I dozed off as we sat on the couch watching TV. Well as soon as I dozed off he apparently took that as permission to go through my phone again. This time he went through all of my emails. He woke me up demanding to know who some guy was. As I slowly came to trying to figure out what he was talking about, with my phone being shoved in my face, I finally responded by asking why an email from 2 years ago even fucking mattered.

This is the problem with dating someone younger. They are always so insecure. I have been in this position too many fucking times, I don’t want to be here again. I do not want to have to feel obligated to explain my every move. I don’t want to feel required to justify every word I say. He feel bad, blames it on having too much to drink, but the feeling was already there. If he hadn’t been drinking, he would have just made up some other excuse. I will never be free from accusation, even though he admits I have not done anything to deserve it.

I can’t risk the possible results that staying with him could have. It could be anything from him simply giving me hell and accusing me every other week to him beating the hell out of me. I’ve already been through the latter and that person nearly killed me. Why the hell would I put myself into that position again? I can’t. I simply can’t take the risk that it could go there. Only 6 months in and he’s already decided I have no right no privacy, that he even has the right to rifle through my work emails as he sees fit. He has admitted he doesn’t actually read what is said, that he had an issue with the simple fact that is was a guy who sent me a text, an email. I work with guys, they send me emails asking for stuff that I am responsible for taking care of. What happens when he feels someone is sending me too many emails?

I can’t take that risk. I have too many things to worry about right now. I can’t worry about the possibility of someone else going off the deep end for unfounded reasons and possibly sending me to the hospital this time, if not killing me. I liked this guy, I would never have thought he’d do something like that to me. But the simple fact is that he is much stronger than me, bigger than me, and I don’t know what anyone is capable of. I just don’t know that I am willing to take the chance. I’m scared of what it could lead to.


Deed is done

Yes, it’s done. I was planning to meet him for drinks after work, but instead he pushed the why and asked, through text, if it was over. I didn’t lie, I told him yes.

As I figured, he was hurt and upset about it. He didn’t understand why and I really didn’t know quite how to explain it. I was honest and told him it was in part things he had done. And that it was also me, I just wasn’t really comfortable anymore, and it wasn’t fair to either of us to keep going. He didn’t agree but accepted it.

I feel 100 times better now that it’s over and feel like I can breathe again.

It’s hard

It really is hard when you know you need to end something. Timing never seems to be right.

I’m struggling right now with how to end things with A. I have no doubt that it needs to be over. I can’t do it through a text though, way too tacky. I can’t do it on pool nights either. I do it at the beginning of the night, that’s just mean. “Hey, I don’t want to date you anymore, good luck with your match!” Yeah, not cool. At the end of the night? That’s not nice either. Both of us tired and been drinking some, gotta work the next day, and deal with him crying for who knows how long? Nope. But damn it, I don’t want him coming over this weekend either. I want it to be over!

What to do.


Ahhh, it’s Sunday and I finally get some time to kick back and relax. I’m sitting here on my back porch enjoying the breeze, watching butterflies flitter over my little garden, and just kicking back.

Yes, he is still here. But alas, his allergies are still bugging him too bad so he’s sitting inside playing video games. I have to leave in a just a couple hours to go pick up my son. What’s the point of him sticking around if we aren’t even spending time together? Oh yeah, his game console is only working if it’s plugged in with an HDMI cable, and his TV isn’t HDMI. I think allergies is just an excuse today.


So my garden is really growing! Everything has all kinds of new growth. And the tomato plants are just going nuts with new blooms!


Our first tomato is really growing too, and a second one is growing right behind it. I know, you can’t really see it in this pic, but it’s there. 🙂

And check out how big all the herb plants are getting!


Hopefully that picture doesn’t come out as dark as it looked on my phone! It’s really ended up being so much fun to have all this stuff growing in my backyard. Makes me wonder why I waited so long to do something like this!

Well, I hope you are all having as nice of a Sunday as me!! 🙂


Ok, so last night wasn’t totally horrible, but it was far from great. In fact, it was about boring as hell. I actually had to force him to choose between continuing to read his book, watch some tv or play some pool. He still wouldn’t fucking choose!! “Whatever you want to do.” OMG grow a fucking spine and have a fucking opinion!

Never in my life have I ever known someone who cared so little and had so few opinions about what they do, what they eat, who’s around, where they go. Seriously, his response is always the fucking same. Whatever I want. What I want is to fucking hit him when he says that!

And what’s worse is all this work me and T have done to the backyard. He’s allergies are too bad and he really wants nothing to do with it. Seriously? Me and her could all but live out here now! But no, he’s too allergic to every fucking thing. Oh, yeah, he finally told me that he’s massively allergic to dogs and cats. Wtf? I have 3 dogs and a cat that I love to dote on!

What the hell am I supposed to do?!?!?!


I guess I should be glad it’s Friday. But somehow I’m not.

For one thing I know that I need to get a lot of work this weekend. Plus it’s Friday which means that A is here until I go pick up my kid Sunday. Thank god the child didn’t decide to stay home this weekend. Damn, that sounds horrible!!

Ok, I really don’t mean it that way. It’s just a matter of having so much work to do and he kinda makes me feel bad if I don’t pay enough attention to him. He kinda tries to play it off and says it’s ok, but he’s a horrible liar. I did mention that he’s super needy for attention, didn’t I? If not then I’ve mentioned it now. Yep, even when I give him a kiss he whines and gives me a big ol’ pouty face when I try to pull away. It’s like, really????

Ugh, he’s just too much for me. It was kinda funny early when T made the comment that she wishes she could find someone like him. It was all I had in me to not say “careful what you wish for”.

It kind of makes me feel like a bad person to say this, but I’m just being honest. I don’t know that I can maintain this relationship. He knows that I’m getting aggravated a lot lately. What does he do? He tries to do more! Ugh! Just the opposite of what I want!

As it is, I can’t get up to get my own beer, he questions why I’m getting up if I so much as need to go to the bathroom. I can’t clean anything up unless he’s not here, he insists on doing everything! Jeez, make me feel like an invalid. Sometimes a person just needs to get up off their ass and move, what is so wrong with that??

Not to mention that he wants me to explain myself over everything. If I tell him not to tickle me, why? Because I don’t like it, why? Because I don’t. But why don’t you like it? Fucking really??? Because I don’t I shouldn’t have to explain why, just stop fucking doing it!!!

Ugh, ok enough ranting, he’s starting to give me funny looks and will probably be crying later because I’m not giving him every ounce of my fucking attention. Hope you guys have a better weekend than me.


So much going on.  Things are still super hectic with work.  Honestly I shouldn’t even be taking the time to type up this post, but I just needed a break and to vent a little.

I’m definitely feeling pretty burned out.  Work has been crazy busy and I rarely am finding any time to take a break, even for lunch.  Plus I’m putting in a lot of hours from home too.  I’m trying to keep on top of my son’s school stuff and keep him in the right direction, I’m not always being successful though.  I’m still doing the pool league thing, and still have both leagues going on right now.  That’s really killing me.  There’s only 3 weeks left of our Monday night league though, then I’m dropping that one.  I was so glad to take 2 days off work for my birthday, it was a much-needed rest!

Besides all that, things are staying busy at home too.  T and I have gotten so much done in the back yard (as you saw in my garden pictures!).  Plus little changes around the house and planning projects for inside.  A is still around all the time too.  Things are going well with T living with me.  I’m really happy about it and so is she.  She’s not planning on going anywhere soon and feels totally at home.  It’s so nice to see her happy and relaxed.

Things with A are a little different, we’re definitely getting into a bumpy area.  And thus, that is where I’m unsure about things.  It’s not helping that my stress level at work is making me a bit less tolerant of little things.  But the thing is, we are so different!  I know, differences can actually be a good thing.  But not always.

The big thing is, he’s so sensitive.  Ok, I know what you’re thinking, don’t girls want a sensitive guy?  Well, sure.  But there’s a limit.  He is really over-sensitive.  I mean, I get annoyed at him over something small and he’s ready to pack up his stuff and head home in the middle of the night.  WTF?

It’s a lot of things.  Another big one is that it sometimes feels like he’s the girl in the relationship.  He like sappy chic flicks.  I hate them.  I love going to Home Depot and planning little projects around the house.  He hates DIY stuff and has no real interest in it.  I like going out and doing stuff on the weekends.  He would rather just sit at the house.  (We haven’t gone out on a Friday or Saturday night in like 2 months now)  And that’s just a few things!  The list goes on and on.

It’s not to say there’s nothing good.  He gets along with my parents, my son, T and my animals.  He still believes in chivalry (although a little too much at times).  All in all, he does try hard to treat me well.

But the fact is, I’m not a girly girl.  I think on one hand he likes that, on the other he doesn’t.  I don’t know that I can be what he actually needs.  And the more I get to know all the little things about him, I’m not sure if he can be what I need.  I don’t want someone who’s going to try to control me, but I sure as hell don’t want to have to pander to someone’s every insecurity either.

So I guess the question is, what do I do?  Do I keep trying or cut my losses?