Making it, but barely

I don’t even know what to say. Things have not been going well. Quite frankly, I’m tired of waking up every morning.

Right now my life revolves around work and only work. I don’t do anything but work and yet I’m regularly told (not by my boss) that I’m not doing enough, not available enough for people needing help with the new system, not fast enough to get fixes done. And I had my annual review done this week by my boss. She had a lot of good things to say, but it wasn’t all good. I was told that I was invaluable, that the projects we’ve been working on all year would not have been possible without me. And that because of that, they have tolerated my loss of patience with my users. In other words, if it weren’t for my contributions to the current projects, I would not have a job right now.

To be fair, I admit that my patience has been short lately. I’m still working 80 hours a week, I am expected to work if I’m home sick, on vacation, nights and weekends. I’m generally lucky if I get 5 hours of sleep a night. On top of that, I have been scolded for not getting things done early enough so I’ve begun going into the office 3 hours early. And yet it’s still not enough. It’s like every relationship I attempt. There will never be anything I can do that will be enough. It’s not physically possible for me to be more available. But obviously I’m wrong. I am failing. At the only thing that I have in my life right now.

I know, that sounds wrong. But my kid is almost 16, he only interacts with me when he feels like it. I do the same thing with my mom, so I can’t really complain too much. And T, the roommate, she’s never around anymore. When she is, she isn’t really interested in what’s going on with me.

All in all, my stress is through the roof. I feel like I’m failing at everything. I’m in a hole that I don’t know how to get out of. It just feels like it’s getting deeper and deeper. If work issues wasn’t enough, I have court on Wednesday for my DUI, which I can’t tell anyone about. T said she would go with me, I have a feeling that I may end up having to go alone. I’m scared of what will happen with it. I know it was my own stupid mistake, I know I have to pay my dues, but I’m scared they will be overly harsh. After all, the last time I was in court the prosecutor told me how I needed to learn my place as woman. Maybe that’s my issue, maybe I’ll never learn my place.

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So tired

I really am.  I’m so tired of putting on a happy face.  I’m tired of not sleeping well.  I’m tired of being let down.  I’m tired of trying so hard.  I’m tired of everything being my responsiblity.  I’m tired of having no one.  I’m tired of having no support.  I’m tired of being expected to always be strong.  I’m tired of dealing.  I’m just too tired.

I really don’t know how much longer I can hold myself together.  I’m falling apart at the seams.  I haven’t been able to stop crying since I woke up.  This really sucks considering that I’m at work right now and my boss is in a meeting in the conference room directly across from where I sit and he DEFINITELY does not need to be seeing me crying at my desk.  I’m trying my hardest, but I really am having an issue holding myself together today.  I seriously thought about calling in sick, just because all I wanted to do the moment I woke up was curl up with a pillow and cry my eyes out.  Maybe that’s part of my issue at the moment, I’ve been wanting to break down and cry my heart out since last night, and I still haven’t had a moment to do that.

Last night ended up really sucking.  Yeah, I had league, and it was a sucky night.  First off, my team is supposed to have 6 people.  We need to have 5 show up each week.  So one guy has never shown up and I doubt he ever will.  One guy showed up the first week and I haven’t seen him since.  I never even heard back from him yesterday.  One guy didn’t show the first week, then showed the last 2 weeks, and didn’t show last night.  Here’s the deal, I’m captain, there is supposed to be a certain amount of money each week for the team, when people don’t show, someone has to cover the missing money.  Now other teams, all the teammates chip in to cover the missing persons dues.  My team?  It’s my problem.  Yeah, I’m not kidding.

I may have to quit.  I really don’t want to, but this isn’t why I joined league.  I didn’t do it with the intention of creating a whole new team.  I never planned on paying out $30 every week for myself and everyone who didn’t show.  Last night, not only did our team have to forfeit a match because we were too short of players, but those who did show took off and left me responsible for whatever we were short, and that was an extra $20 out of my pocket that I really couldn’t afford.  To be fair, TC did mean to help cover part of that with me, she just forgot.  But she’s in the same boat.  Her and I are the only ones who make any effort to cover shortages.  We are also the only ones who consistently show up.

I do have the option of trying to get onto a different team.  But doing that, I most likely would not be able to be on the same team as TC.  Our whole point was to join together.  Besides that, I would really feel like the outsider then, not to mention feel like I’m totally intruding which would only make me feel worse.  Damn it, now I’m crying again.  Really, this is so stupid.  Why the hell is something as stupid as pool league making me so upset?  Oh yeah, because it was the one thing that actually made me feel like a real part of something.  It was the one thing every week that I was really looking forward to.  And now, because I have such sucky teammates, I feel like I have no real choice but to just quit and give up the one thing that was helping me.  Why?  Because it’s becoming the one thing that’s hurting me the most.  Because it’s just one more thing that I have completely failed at.  I am so tired of being such a failure.

Acceptance

It was a long night. No, R is still not home and I haven’t heard anything from him. I don’t have it in me to play these games.

I didn’t stay home last night. I went out and drank with my friends at the bar. Was a little upset and eventually was able to put everything out of my mind. But eventually it caught up with me and I decided it was time to leave. I got home and was not surprised to find R had not come home. I slammed a couple more beers and fell asleep on the couch.

Last night I was upset. Last night I was feeling the sting. Today I’m not. Today I have resigned to reality. The fact is this is the second time in a month he’s taken off like this and chosen not to communicate with me while he is gone. There is only one thing that I can take from this. He does not truly want to be with me.

I will not force him to stay with me. I am obviously not what he wants. Funny, I’ve been told that by so many guys in the past. I really just have to accept that I am not “the one” for anybody.

It sucks, but it’s reality. The fact is, I don’t want to keep clinging to hope when it’s just going to turn around and smack me upside the head. What’s the point? I have enough issues day to day, I really don’t need to keep adding to it. So I’m done. I’m not kicking R out, but we are obviously nothing more than roommates. Accepting that will make life easier. And less painful when he takes off like this.

So I am accepting that there is no relationship with R. I am resigning myself to the fact that I am still alone. I am happy that I finally have closure with how things might have turned out with R now that we have a clear end. I don’t regret that I gave it a shot.

I don’t know what will happen tonight whenever he does choose to come home. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. I don’t know what I should say to him or if I should even bother saying anything. I don’t know that it’s worth it. Let’s face it, his actions speak loud enough.