Long week

It’s been another long week. Too many hours working, too little hours getting to rest.

And what little rest I’ve had. Work has simply been what it’s been. Same old, same old. Just working too much, too little appreciation. But it is what it is. The fact is I still have a job, and despite appreciation, I do enjoy what I do.

On the other hand……

So I’ve been dating this guy for about 6 months now. I actually tried to end it a couple months ago, I knew it wasn’t something I wanted and that he wasn’t right for me, but he really didn’t want it to be over and well, he really has some good aspects. So I gave it a little more time. That was a bad idea. As came to light this last week.

So I posted last weekend that I messed up. I got myself a DUI. Not a good thing, especially where I live, as our state is all about penalizing DUI’s more than any other infracture of the law. But the fact is I am guilty, I have to suck it up and deal with it. I’m ok with that. Well, I accept that, not necessarily ok with it.

But the big thing is what came with last weekend besides the legal issues. The guy I’ve been dating apparently had an issue with me going out by myself. A big issue. He has been accusing me of cheating all week and looking through my phone after I’ve fallen asleep. I did tell him what happened. I was a little hesistant, because I was embarrassed about being pulled over, but I had no issue telling him I had gone out to the pool hall.

Apparently, though, choosing to go out somewhere without him hanging on me and smacking my ass is a total indication of cheating and means that I deserve to have all of my privacy violated and that I deserve to be grilled on any and every person who chooses to email or text me. Earlier this week, an old boyfriend texted me out of the blue. Very little was said, he asked how I was doing, and it ended with him saying to take care and that he was deleted my number from his online backup so he wouldn’t be bugging me again. But he searched my phone, didn’t read anything that was actually said, then grilled me about who the hell it was. Seriously???

Ok, was that bad enough? Nope. So Saturday night he came over. I dozed off as we sat on the couch watching TV. Well as soon as I dozed off he apparently took that as permission to go through my phone again. This time he went through all of my emails. He woke me up demanding to know who some guy was. As I slowly came to trying to figure out what he was talking about, with my phone being shoved in my face, I finally responded by asking why an email from 2 years ago even fucking mattered.

This is the problem with dating someone younger. They are always so insecure. I have been in this position too many fucking times, I don’t want to be here again. I do not want to have to feel obligated to explain my every move. I don’t want to feel required to justify every word I say. He feel bad, blames it on having too much to drink, but the feeling was already there. If he hadn’t been drinking, he would have just made up some other excuse. I will never be free from accusation, even though he admits I have not done anything to deserve it.

I can’t risk the possible results that staying with him could have. It could be anything from him simply giving me hell and accusing me every other week to him beating the hell out of me. I’ve already been through the latter and that person nearly killed me. Why the hell would I put myself into that position again? I can’t. I simply can’t take the risk that it could go there. Only 6 months in and he’s already decided I have no right no privacy, that he even has the right to rifle through my work emails as he sees fit. He has admitted he doesn’t actually read what is said, that he had an issue with the simple fact that is was a guy who sent me a text, an email. I work with guys, they send me emails asking for stuff that I am responsible for taking care of. What happens when he feels someone is sending me too many emails?

I can’t take that risk. I have too many things to worry about right now. I can’t worry about the possibility of someone else going off the deep end for unfounded reasons and possibly sending me to the hospital this time, if not killing me. I liked this guy, I would never have thought he’d do something like that to me. But the simple fact is that he is much stronger than me, bigger than me, and I don’t know what anyone is capable of. I just don’t know that I am willing to take the chance. I’m scared of what it could lead to.

Today

Today is feeling like just a really blah day. Nothing special, just blah. I really didn’t even want to get out of bed and even thought about calling in sick.

I’m seeing myself falling back into old patterns that I had worked really hard to get out of. I feel myself shutting down, but the problem is I can’t seem to quite make myself care enough to do anything about it. I’m keeping more and more to myself at work, not that I’ve ever been all that social here anyway. At home I’m trying to keep myself busy with cleaning or finances or monitoring my kids schoolwork online, but I’m finding it hard to convince myself to do much at any given time.

I’ve been going and playing pool a lot lately, and even there I’m keeping myself isolated. I smile and chat a little with the bartenders, I watch people around me, but I find myself doing all I can to keep myself unapproachable. Keeping focused on my pool table, pretending I don’t hear them when someone at the table next to me comments on a shot I just made, not making eye contact with anyone. I’m taking a little break from my normal watering hole just because everyone there expects me to be social and happy all the time.

I’ve thought about just staying home. Work, home, that’s it. But that’s a place I really don’t want to let myself fall. Sure, it can be a good thing to have alone time, but I have that in the evenings after work (when I don’t go out) and during the day on the weekends. I know I’m not going out of my way to socialize when I go out, but at least there are other people around. I guess I’m hoping that getting myself out and doing something I enjoy will bring me out of this slump and that I’ll start to loosen back up and start feeling a little better about myself.

I’m still stinging a bit from R. Not that it’s over (ok, still not official, but still), not that I failed yet again, but that yet another person saw me as just a way to kill some time until something better came around or I just wasn’t worth killing time with anymore. It’s that feeling that’s caused this sting and brought how I feel about myself back down. Really, it would have stung no matter who it was, I think it just stung a little more with him because of our past. Because once upon a time he was the only one who hadn’t treated me that way.

For now, I’ll just go through the motions of each day and hope my surroundings will help to bring me back from this while I just keep reminding myself of what is good in my life.

Speaking of good, my son and I decided on a name for the kitten, we’re going with Chaos. And Chaos is definitely warming up to his new home. He’s getting really playful and has really warmed up to the dogs already. They still spook him here and there, but he’s starting to play with them, especially Sugar. And he has discovered the wonders of the gate at the bottom of the stairs. He can fit through the bars and the dogs can’t. Which means he can attack them and they can’t get to him! It’s a lot of fun to watch. 🙂

20120905-104053.jpg

So on that note, I’ll wish you all a wonderful Wednesday and hope your week is going well so far!