Making it, but barely

I don’t even know what to say. Things have not been going well. Quite frankly, I’m tired of waking up every morning.

Right now my life revolves around work and only work. I don’t do anything but work and yet I’m regularly told (not by my boss) that I’m not doing enough, not available enough for people needing help with the new system, not fast enough to get fixes done. And I had my annual review done this week by my boss. She had a lot of good things to say, but it wasn’t all good. I was told that I was invaluable, that the projects we’ve been working on all year would not have been possible without me. And that because of that, they have tolerated my loss of patience with my users. In other words, if it weren’t for my contributions to the current projects, I would not have a job right now.

To be fair, I admit that my patience has been short lately. I’m still working 80 hours a week, I am expected to work if I’m home sick, on vacation, nights and weekends. I’m generally lucky if I get 5 hours of sleep a night. On top of that, I have been scolded for not getting things done early enough so I’ve begun going into the office 3 hours early. And yet it’s still not enough. It’s like every relationship I attempt. There will never be anything I can do that will be enough. It’s not physically possible for me to be more available. But obviously I’m wrong. I am failing. At the only thing that I have in my life right now.

I know, that sounds wrong. But my kid is almost 16, he only interacts with me when he feels like it. I do the same thing with my mom, so I can’t really complain too much. And T, the roommate, she’s never around anymore. When she is, she isn’t really interested in what’s going on with me.

All in all, my stress is through the roof. I feel like I’m failing at everything. I’m in a hole that I don’t know how to get out of. It just feels like it’s getting deeper and deeper. If work issues wasn’t enough, I have court on Wednesday for my DUI, which I can’t tell anyone about. T said she would go with me, I have a feeling that I may end up having to go alone. I’m scared of what will happen with it. I know it was my own stupid mistake, I know I have to pay my dues, but I’m scared they will be overly harsh. After all, the last time I was in court the prosecutor told me how I needed to learn my place as woman. Maybe that’s my issue, maybe I’ll never learn my place.

She came back

Yep, I have a roommate again.  TC sent me a text yesterday that was really glad I told her to hold onto the house key.  She came over after work and getting a few things for the night.  She is planning to go get a couple of car loads tonight and the rest of her furniture on Saturday.  It wasn’t anything major that happened, she just saw that even after he said he would make some changes he immediately went right back to the way he was being.  She was a little upset, but not really bad.  That in itself told her something.

I’m hoping this time she will stick to her guns and stay away.  I told her that at the very least she should stay at my place for a week to give herself some space and time to think.  She seems pretty solid on her decision at the moment, but then she seemed solid a couple of weeks ago too.  We had a pretty nice night, had a few drinks and chatted about the good, bad and ugly.  I did actually open up to her too.  Yeah, I was pretty proud of myself.  I told her how I kinda lost it Wednesday night after she had left and told her why the issues with our team upset me so much, that I was dealing with a low spot of my depression (and obviously told her that I have depression) and that I really needed this whole league thing right now.  It was kind of hard to admit it to her and I can’t say that telling her made me feel any better, but it was a good thing to tell her.  Her and I have dealt with a lot of similar issues in our lives so it’s pretty easy for us to understand what the other is feeling.  That’s probably why we’ve become such good friends.

So at the moment, the expectation is that she’ll be moving all her stuff in over the weekend.  Honestly, I really hope she goes through with it this time.  But then again, I’m back to my conundrum of how I feel about having someone living with me.  The big upside is it will be a huge help for me financially and it will help her out as well since what she’s going to pay me for rent is way less than the rent and all of the costs he expected her pay for.  She’s not planning on staying with me indefinitely, just for a while to get on her feet again and get her own place.  So in the meantime, I guess we’ll just take it day by day and see how everything goes.  For the moment, I’m kinda glad to have her around.  🙂

Oops

Hit publish on my last post when I meant to save it as a draft until I finished it.  So guess I should finish now.  I’m doing ok, still feeling a little shitty today.

I don’t get people.  What the hell do people get out of making a total stranger feel like shit?  I mean, really?  I don’t walk up to random people and start telling them that they’re pathetic losers.  Ok, not the exact words that were used last night, but the meaning was quite clear.  I think I may need to stop frequenting my normal watering hole.

It’s a shame, too.  There’s still a few folks I enjoy hanging with there, but there’s a few I don’t care to talk to or be around and the random people who go in these days aren’t the nicest folks.  I liked that place because even the random folks that went in there were so laid back and friendly.  Maybe it’s not them, though, maybe I just bring out the nastiness in people.

Anyway, after that last unpleasant conversation on my way out of there last night, I headed over to the pool hall.  I didn’t have any further incidents and no issues with nasty, bitter people there.  It wasn’t a great night though.  By the time I got there I was still fighting back tears.  Maybe I’m a bit oversensitive at the moment.  I’ve gotten nasty comments from random people before, so I’m not sure why last night bugged me so much.  After shooting a little pool I did start feeling a little better, but not great.  I just held myself together.

It was rough though.  I really just wanted to talk to someone to help me feel better and I couldn’t find a single name in my phone of anyone I felt I would be comfortable talking to.  How sad is that?  But since I really felt a need to talk, I chose to write-up a post.  Unfortunately I got interrupted in the middle by someone wanting to shoot a game of pool.  That was where I accidentally posted last night in the middle of that post.  I went to hit save before I realized I hadn’t changed the status from publish to draft.  Oops.

So hopefully this makes up for the random, half-written post last night.  Hope you guys are having a better weekend than me.

Losing it

I feel like I’m spiraling.  Some days up, some days down.  Definitely not staying in place though.

It’s been an interesting week and definitely an interesting weekend.  The only big thing about the week was Wednesday.  I had league of course, it was actually a good night.  My team won 3 out of 5 of our matches.  I didn’t win mine, but I was also playing against a top rated player so I really didn’t expect to win a single game.  To be honest it’s a little discouraging to keep getting put up against players that are so much better than me.  But that just means I need to keep practicing and get better.  Fortunately I’m making friends with other players and they are always willing to give tips.

So Friday I ended up going out with this guy.  We went and played pool for a bit, but apparently he wasn’t feeling too well and ended up wanting to leave by like 11.  Really?  Whatever.  Unfortunately I drove us there so that meant I had to leave to take him home.  I really didn’t feel like going home that early on a Friday night though, so after I dropped him off I went back to the bar.  The night was kind of messed up at that point though and I wasn’t having much fun.  Next thing I know TC is calling me asking if my offer for my spare room was still open.  Apparently her and her boyfriend had it out pretty bad and she finally decided she was done.  She initially planned on staying with someone else that night (an old ex of hers she’s still friends with), but that didn’t quite work out.  That was totally fine, I immediately closed out my tab and headed to meet up with her.

She’s been here all weekend and we were going to pick up her furniture and the rest of her stuff today.  Honestly though, I kind of had a feeling she was still on the fence.  She loves the guy, but they have some serious issues.  She knows their relationship isn’t healthy, but she’s having a really hard time committing to walking away.  She stayed here over the weekend.  She left early this morning and apparently went back to their house and has spent the entire day with him.  I guess after she actually packed some stuff up and left for a few days, he finally willing to listen to her and says he’s willing to make changes.  Yeah, let’s see how long those changes last.  I’ve known plenty of guys like him.  But hey, maybe he really is willing to make changes for her.  If so then that’s great.  She may stay with me for a few more days still, I told her it might be a good idea for them to have a little space while she thinks about everything before making a decision.

I’ll stand by her no matter what her decision is.  She is the only close friend I have and I wouldn’t want to do anything to mess that up.  I’ll be honest though, the idea of her living here right now did give me pause after I had time to process what happened Friday night.  Considering my current mental state, the idea of having someone else living here that would be around all the time was a little disconcerting.  At the same time, I thought that maybe having her around would help get my mind back in balance.  As of right now, she doesn’t know that I’m dealing with depression.  I hate having people I see regularly know that I’m feeling this way.  And with all she’s dealing with, I would hate to add any more weight to her shoulders.

So now that it seems she will be going back to him (whether I think that’s a good idea or not), I’m not sure if I’m sad that she won’t be around or if I’m relieved that I won’t have to maintain a façade of being happy-go-lucky all the time.  It wears me out keeping that up all day at work, I don’t know if I would have enough strength to keep that up every morning, evening and weekend at home too.

I hope that whatever decision she makes will be the best decision for her and that she is happy.  And I hope this up and down spiral I seem to be in stops spinning soon.

Not getting better

My day did not get any better yesterday after I left work.  I called my mom on my way home, as I do often.  It’s a long drive and it usually helps to have someone to talk to so it doesn’t feel like I’m on the road so long.  Not that it always works, it kind of depends on how the conversation goes.  If she goes on a rant about something where I don’t personally agree with her opinion, then the drive sometimes seems even longer.  Or, as with our call last night, if she starts bitching at me for not being a better daughter, the drive seems to last forever.

Ok, the call started off ok, I was letting her know what kind of stuff my son is wanting for Christmas.  Somehow, though, the conversation turned to how we aren’t that close anymore and how I hardly ever come to see her and that even when I do, it’s a quick dinner and then I’m out the door.  She went on and on about how I don’t tell her about anything going on in my life and that we don’t have a close relationship anymore.  When I tried to say that I do tell her more than I tell anyone else (ok, you guys excluded), she told me to stop, that wasn’t true.  Um, yeah, it is.  I think I know how much I tell people.

I mean, here I pretty much tell all.  I say things here that I will never tell another living soul.  Sure, there are things that I have no intention of telling my mother.  Why?  Because there are some things that mothers should not know about their daughters.  Other than that, I talk to her all the time about things going on at work.  I told her about joining the pool league and I talk to her all the time about how that’s going, how I played the previous week, about the teams we’ve played against, etc.  It’s the one thing in my life right now that is doing anything to excite me and I am actually sharing all of it with her.  Ok, minus the amount of drinking we do while we are playing ;), but still, everything else!

There is not a lot that goes on in my life.  I go to work Monday through Friday.  I have league now on Wednesday nights.  I usually go and play pool (mostly by myself) on the weekends.  I pick up my son from his dad’s every Sunday.  That’s it.  That’s all there is to it.  I talk to her about all of this.  So how am I not telling her what’s going on in my life??

Ok, so I haven’t talked to her about my current depression.  But that’s not something she needs to know about.  It’s not something she could (or would) do anything to help with.  And while it may feel like it defines me at times, I know deep down that my depression does not define who I am as a whole.

So when she finally shut up long enough to actually her me say that she knew more about me than anyone else in my life (again, not counting you guys), she told that that’s just really sad.  Wow, yeah, thanks, that helps me feel better about myself mom!  She didn’t really believe me though, and knowing just how stubborn she is, there is absolutely nothing I can say to make her believe me.

I drove into work this morning thinking about writing her an email explaining my current mental state and why I have been withdrawn the last several months.  Why an email?  Because then I would be able to write it all out without her interrupting me and telling me I’m stupid, selfish, lying or whatever else she would say about it.  Plus it’s a topic that I really do not want to have an actual conversation with her about.  I thought about writing the email and explaining in it that it’s not something I ever want to have a discussion about, that I just wanted her to know that my not hanging out with her so much these days had a reason completely unrelated to her.

But the fact is I won’t write that email.  She would only see it as one more example of how I am being a lousy daughter by not just talking to her about it and explaining it to her over the phone or in person.  And quite frankly, I just don’t think I have it in me to be able to handle the kind of repercussion that would come from that.

Questioning myself

Overall it was a pretty good weekend.  Really.  I got out and played some pool and enjoyed myself.  I didn’t sleep great, but I was able to sleep in so it kind of balanced out.  I went and picked up my son from his dad’s yesterday and we chatted and joked on the way home.

Yet I still feel like crap.  I didn’t sleep too well last night and I had to get up early for work today.  It took me like 45 minutes to finally convince myself to get out of bed.  Ugh.  I’m feeling in a pretty bad mood today and I’m just hoping I don’t have to do too much interacting with people.  With luck most of them will just stick with contacting me by email so I don’t have to actually speak to them.

Which brings me to a highly annoying situation I’ve been dealing with recently at work.  The inability of some people to take a hint.  Seriously, people, use some basic observation skills and show some common courtesy.

Example – I go to take a break, someone else is out there, they try to start-up small talk.  If the other person shows no interest in having a conversation with you, stop trying to talk to them!  If I don’t even look up from my phone when you say hi, chances are I want to be left alone.  If I make a point of walking away from where you are standing, chances are I want to be left alone.  If you continue to try to force me to hold a conversation about stupid shit like the weather, it’s very likely going to worsen my mood and make me want to punch you in the face.  I don’t take breaks at work so that I can go bullshit with other people.  I make a point of going to the smoking area that very few people go to because I am just looking to get away from my desk and away from people for a few minutes.  Especially with how I’ve been feeling lately.

So why is it that people will ignore the most obvious signals?  Ok, I get that I’m a woman and people say that women are hard to understand.  But how hard is it to see that someone is typing away on their phone or walking away from you or turning away from you?  I’ve even gone so far as to wear headphones out there and turn the music up, and people will still try to talk to me!  These are not subtle hints!

And yet I still manage to always be around the dumbasses that think that me walking away is an invitation for them follow and annoy the living shit out of me.  If today is any indication of the rest of my week, then God help me and my coworkers!

Dreams……Nightmares

I had the day off today and therefore was able to sleep in.  I actually fell asleep pretty early last night, sometimes before 10.  And I fell asleep on the couch.  I find myself sleeping on the couch more and more these days.  A bed is a hell of a lot more comfortable, so why am I favoring the couch?  I used to only sleep on the couch on weekends, you know, getting home late and sitting down for a minute and just falling asleep.  No biggie.  But now I find myself knowing that I’m tired, thinking about going to bed, and choosing to just stay on the couch instead.

Exactly what I did last night.  I fell asleep early, woke up from some bad dreams about 1 this morning.  I even stayed up for a couple of hours before making myself comfortable on the couch again and going back to sleep.  I thought about going to bed and decided to stay on the couch instead, surrounded by my dogs and cat.  Maybe that’s why I’m sleeping on the couch so much these days.  To have my dogs closer.  To feel more protected.

I’ve been having more and more bad dreams lately.  I don’t remember most of them, and sometimes they’re just odd and hard to piece together once I’m awake.  All I do know is that I keep waking up scared.  I keep waking up in a panic.  I keep waking up, holding my breath and listening for sounds of someone in my house.  That’s what happened last night and why I sat up for several hours in the middle of the night.  I dreamt that someone had gotten into my house and was attacking me, trying to kill me.  I haven’t heard any new threats for several months.  I have no idea if the ex is even still focusing his psycho anger on me.  For all I know, he’s finally moved on.  Yet here I am, still living in fear.  I don’t know how to change it and it’s making me miserable.

I don’t know why these dreams and this fear is spiking back up again.  I had been doing well for months.  I was sleeping well, I was feeling better, I was feeling almost ready to move forward with my life again.  But now I feel like I’m right back to where I was a year ago.  Alone, scared, and wondering if I can handle being in this place all over again.

I don’t really have anyone to turn to either.  TC is probably my closest friend at the moment, but she has her own issues she’s dealing with and doesn’t need to be burdened with my random shit.  I definitely can’t tell my mom I’m back in this place.  She’s dealing with some depression of her own right now, which, with my mother, means that it needs to be all about her.  She would just end up making it about her and making me feel worse.

So where does that leave me?