Long week

It’s been another long week. Too many hours working, too little hours getting to rest.

And what little rest I’ve had. Work has simply been what it’s been. Same old, same old. Just working too much, too little appreciation. But it is what it is. The fact is I still have a job, and despite appreciation, I do enjoy what I do.

On the other hand……

So I’ve been dating this guy for about 6 months now. I actually tried to end it a couple months ago, I knew it wasn’t something I wanted and that he wasn’t right for me, but he really didn’t want it to be over and well, he really has some good aspects. So I gave it a little more time. That was a bad idea. As came to light this last week.

So I posted last weekend that I messed up. I got myself a DUI. Not a good thing, especially where I live, as our state is all about penalizing DUI’s more than any other infracture of the law. But the fact is I am guilty, I have to suck it up and deal with it. I’m ok with that. Well, I accept that, not necessarily ok with it.

But the big thing is what came with last weekend besides the legal issues. The guy I’ve been dating apparently had an issue with me going out by myself. A big issue. He has been accusing me of cheating all week and looking through my phone after I’ve fallen asleep. I did tell him what happened. I was a little hesistant, because I was embarrassed about being pulled over, but I had no issue telling him I had gone out to the pool hall.

Apparently, though, choosing to go out somewhere without him hanging on me and smacking my ass is a total indication of cheating and means that I deserve to have all of my privacy violated and that I deserve to be grilled on any and every person who chooses to email or text me. Earlier this week, an old boyfriend texted me out of the blue. Very little was said, he asked how I was doing, and it ended with him saying to take care and that he was deleted my number from his online backup so he wouldn’t be bugging me again. But he searched my phone, didn’t read anything that was actually said, then grilled me about who the hell it was. Seriously???

Ok, was that bad enough? Nope. So Saturday night he came over. I dozed off as we sat on the couch watching TV. Well as soon as I dozed off he apparently took that as permission to go through my phone again. This time he went through all of my emails. He woke me up demanding to know who some guy was. As I slowly came to trying to figure out what he was talking about, with my phone being shoved in my face, I finally responded by asking why an email from 2 years ago even fucking mattered.

This is the problem with dating someone younger. They are always so insecure. I have been in this position too many fucking times, I don’t want to be here again. I do not want to have to feel obligated to explain my every move. I don’t want to feel required to justify every word I say. He feel bad, blames it on having too much to drink, but the feeling was already there. If he hadn’t been drinking, he would have just made up some other excuse. I will never be free from accusation, even though he admits I have not done anything to deserve it.

I can’t risk the possible results that staying with him could have. It could be anything from him simply giving me hell and accusing me every other week to him beating the hell out of me. I’ve already been through the latter and that person nearly killed me. Why the hell would I put myself into that position again? I can’t. I simply can’t take the risk that it could go there. Only 6 months in and he’s already decided I have no right no privacy, that he even has the right to rifle through my work emails as he sees fit. He has admitted he doesn’t actually read what is said, that he had an issue with the simple fact that is was a guy who sent me a text, an email. I work with guys, they send me emails asking for stuff that I am responsible for taking care of. What happens when he feels someone is sending me too many emails?

I can’t take that risk. I have too many things to worry about right now. I can’t worry about the possibility of someone else going off the deep end for unfounded reasons and possibly sending me to the hospital this time, if not killing me. I liked this guy, I would never have thought he’d do something like that to me. But the simple fact is that he is much stronger than me, bigger than me, and I don’t know what anyone is capable of. I just don’t know that I am willing to take the chance. I’m scared of what it could lead to.

Deed is done

Yes, it’s done. I was planning to meet him for drinks after work, but instead he pushed the why and asked, through text, if it was over. I didn’t lie, I told him yes.

As I figured, he was hurt and upset about it. He didn’t understand why and I really didn’t know quite how to explain it. I was honest and told him it was in part things he had done. And that it was also me, I just wasn’t really comfortable anymore, and it wasn’t fair to either of us to keep going. He didn’t agree but accepted it.

I feel 100 times better now that it’s over and feel like I can breathe again.

It’s hard

It really is hard when you know you need to end something. Timing never seems to be right.

I’m struggling right now with how to end things with A. I have no doubt that it needs to be over. I can’t do it through a text though, way too tacky. I can’t do it on pool nights either. I do it at the beginning of the night, that’s just mean. “Hey, I don’t want to date you anymore, good luck with your match!” Yeah, not cool. At the end of the night? That’s not nice either. Both of us tired and been drinking some, gotta work the next day, and deal with him crying for who knows how long? Nope. But damn it, I don’t want him coming over this weekend either. I want it to be over!

What to do.

Unsure

So much going on.  Things are still super hectic with work.  Honestly I shouldn’t even be taking the time to type up this post, but I just needed a break and to vent a little.

I’m definitely feeling pretty burned out.  Work has been crazy busy and I rarely am finding any time to take a break, even for lunch.  Plus I’m putting in a lot of hours from home too.  I’m trying to keep on top of my son’s school stuff and keep him in the right direction, I’m not always being successful though.  I’m still doing the pool league thing, and still have both leagues going on right now.  That’s really killing me.  There’s only 3 weeks left of our Monday night league though, then I’m dropping that one.  I was so glad to take 2 days off work for my birthday, it was a much-needed rest!

Besides all that, things are staying busy at home too.  T and I have gotten so much done in the back yard (as you saw in my garden pictures!).  Plus little changes around the house and planning projects for inside.  A is still around all the time too.  Things are going well with T living with me.  I’m really happy about it and so is she.  She’s not planning on going anywhere soon and feels totally at home.  It’s so nice to see her happy and relaxed.

Things with A are a little different, we’re definitely getting into a bumpy area.  And thus, that is where I’m unsure about things.  It’s not helping that my stress level at work is making me a bit less tolerant of little things.  But the thing is, we are so different!  I know, differences can actually be a good thing.  But not always.

The big thing is, he’s so sensitive.  Ok, I know what you’re thinking, don’t girls want a sensitive guy?  Well, sure.  But there’s a limit.  He is really over-sensitive.  I mean, I get annoyed at him over something small and he’s ready to pack up his stuff and head home in the middle of the night.  WTF?

It’s a lot of things.  Another big one is that it sometimes feels like he’s the girl in the relationship.  He like sappy chic flicks.  I hate them.  I love going to Home Depot and planning little projects around the house.  He hates DIY stuff and has no real interest in it.  I like going out and doing stuff on the weekends.  He would rather just sit at the house.  (We haven’t gone out on a Friday or Saturday night in like 2 months now)  And that’s just a few things!  The list goes on and on.

It’s not to say there’s nothing good.  He gets along with my parents, my son, T and my animals.  He still believes in chivalry (although a little too much at times).  All in all, he does try hard to treat me well.

But the fact is, I’m not a girly girl.  I think on one hand he likes that, on the other he doesn’t.  I don’t know that I can be what he actually needs.  And the more I get to know all the little things about him, I’m not sure if he can be what I need.  I don’t want someone who’s going to try to control me, but I sure as hell don’t want to have to pander to someone’s every insecurity either.

So I guess the question is, what do I do?  Do I keep trying or cut my losses?

Wednesday

Yep, the week is half over and thank goodness! I’ve been feeling a bit off but not feeling horrible. I can’t quite put my finger on it and not even sure that there’s anything going on to put my finger on.

Things are still going really well with A.  Oh, did I tell you that he bought me roses?  Just a small vase with 3 red roses, nothing expensive or extravagant.  I asked him what it was for, his answer?  “Because I realized that I hadn’t bought you any flowers yet.”  Yep, no special reason, no holiday or birthday, just because.  He continues to surprise me with the little things that he doesn’t really give a second thought to doing.  I’m enjoying it all, but I guess I’m just waiting for the sky to start falling or something.  I mean, it’s been what, 2 or 3 months now?  I’m definitely having a harder and harder time not letting him see the crazier side of me.  And no, I don’t fun crazy, just plain crazy.  Like waking up in the middle of the night screaming and jumping out of bed crazy.  And I know that sooner or later he’s going to decide I’m not worth the hassle.

Maybe that’s part of it?  I’m bracing myself for this to be over?  I don’t really want it to be over, but at the same time I’m kind of scared to let it continue.  Maybe it’s not that I’m having a hard time hiding the crazy, maybe I’m trying less to keep it hidden.  Am I trying to sabotage myself in this relationship?  To be honest, I am not sure.

I think there’s a little fear about how much time we spend together.  He’s over every weekend, at least a couple of nights during the week.  The kid and my animals all seem to really like him.  I enjoy him being around but I do like that I still get a little time here and there just to myself.  I think I’m kind of worried about what he’s looking for or expecting.  Right now he lives all the way across town.  If you’re familiar at all with the Phoenix area, I live way out West and he’s pretty far East, at least a 45 minute to an hour drive between us.  When I met him, he had said he was looking for a new apartment over on my side of town, to be closer to work and his brother who lives in my neck of the woods.  At one point he said he thought he had found a place, but that fell through or something.  He’s told me that he didn’t renew the lease on his current apartment and is currently paying month to month on it.  He says he’s still looking for another place, but when?  I mean, except a couple of nights during the week, he spends all his free time with me.  And he hasn’t asked me to go with him to look at anything.

I think that kind of worries me.  I know he feels strongly for me, he’s told me so.  He regularly reminds me that he’s interested in me for more than just sex and constantly works to get me to open up more even on stupid things that are bugging me.  So what exactly is he hoping for here?  Is he thinking that I might ask him to move in?  Maybe that’s why he isn’t really looking that hard for a place?  I mean, he’s looked online and called enough places to know he can get a nice apartment in my area for half what he’s paying now.  So what’s he waiting for?

It kind of scares me just for the fact that I know I am absolutely not ready to have someone living with me.  Things change when you let someone move in.  Not to mention the fact that as much as I enjoy spending time with him, I definitely need at least those couple of nights to myself.  And my parents would probably just flip and insist on having me committed as they would assume I’ve gone completely insane.

Then again, I may be freaking out for nothing.  He probably hasn’t even thought of the possibility of moving in and is just dragging his feet with looking for another apartment because moving sucks.  And I’m just being overly analytical of everything and maybe a little paranoid.

Ok, I need to just stop thinking too much and focus on what’s going on right now.  Back to work and of course I have my pool league tonight.  Hope you’re all having a great week so far!

Our tangled webs

Oh my but our lives can become such tangled web, can’t they?  No, I’m not meaning tangled webs of lies, just regular old tangled webs that we trap ourselves in.

For example, as much as I want to, I always find it very hard to put away all the pain of my past and lock it up tight.  Every time I turn around I find myself using it as an excuse as to why I don’t let people get too close.  Or I use it to justify why I walk away from relationships or to run people off.  I’ve used a million excuses in the past to stay put even if I knew I did want to walk away instead of trusting my instincts.  I have always been able to find excuses to justify all my actions that, in hindsight, were just plain stupid.

Well, I guess now I know how other people felt when they looked at me and my relationship with the ex.  This whole thing with TC is driving me up a wall because I want to scream and shout for her to walk away.  I woke up yesterday to texts from her from 4 a.m.  Her and the boyfriend had it out yet again.  And yet again, things verged on the physical when he shoved her really hard.  Now, I’m sure she wasn’t totally innocent, she’s feeling frustrated and tired of things not getting better so I would bet she probably copped an attitude.  And he probably just reacted like the douchebag that he is.  But I really am getting concerned.  Why?  Because I can so see the path this is taking.  She swears she’ll walk out of the relationship and that she will not do anything to provoke him into doing anything more serious.  But how do you do that?  All it’s going to take is for him being drunk enough (and yes, he loves getting drunk regularly), add in her giving him attitude, stir in the fact they are both stubborn, and then what?  I’m worried that one of these days she’s going to be calling or texting me from a hospital room or worse.  😦

I know I shouldn’t think that way, but damn it, she just keeps giving him chance after chance.  The texts she sent me Sunday morning was her telling me what happened and that she was going to be hiring movers and moving in this next Saturday.  Then he took her to dinner last night and apologized.  And now?  As of this morning, she’s going to try to give him another chance.  He’s one lucky bastard and he doesn’t even know it.  She’s given him so many chances that he should have been out a long time ago.  And I just want to yell at her to wake up and see what he really is and that he’s never going to change anything for her.  But I know it wouldn’t do any good.  She is far too tangled up right now.  She has to come to her own decisions because she’s the one that has to live with those choices.

So here’s to hoping that she will come to her senses and get the hell away from him before it’s too late!!

Back in action

I know I’ve been MIA for the last week or so.  My apologies.  After getting back from vacation, things have been hectic to say the least.  Work was pretty nuts when I got back and I was non-stop and working some extra hours for the first few days.  Besides that, I came down with a pretty nasty head cold.  Yuck!  😦

I actually ended up going home sick last Thursday and stayed home sick on Friday.  I actually felt pretty bad about that considering I’d just gotten back from being on vacation for a week, but nobody wanted me hanging around in the office either.  My poor nose was looking like Rudolph’s!  I even stayed in all weekend recovering.  Definitely not the most active weekend for me.  I did manage to keep an eye on work stuff, however, so I wasn’t too bombarded when I got in this morning.  I’m still not feeling quite 100%, but definitely much better than I was last week.

I heard from TC last night asking if I might want to join a Monday night pool league at our normal little dive bar.  The league we are currently on is an 8-ball league where we play on 9 foot tables on Wednesday nights.  If you’re not familiar, 8-ball is where one person is solids, the other person is stripes, and once you get all your balls off the table you hit the 8 ball in.  Well, this other league she’s apparently signing us up for is a 9-ball league.  That game is where the only balls on the table are the 1 through 9 and you have to hit them all in order.  A little different but a lot of the same basic rules apply.  So that’s supposed to start in January I guess.  Should be interesting and another group of people to hang around with.

So I guess it’s about time to I share some of the latest things from my life.  As you know, I tend to not say much about my dating life unless it seems as if things might last long enough to be worth mentioning.  So I have actually been dating this guy A for about the last month or so.  I know, kind of surprising I’ve waited this long to say anything.  I’m still not really looking to get into anything serious, and I am trying to keep things light, but I’m not sure I’m winning.

This guy is definitely different from, well, I think pretty much anyone I’ve dated.  For starters, apparently chivalry isn’t totally dead.  It’s kind of cute, he will lightly smack my hand when I try to open a door, he even opens the car door for me.  With me not feeling that great going into the weekend, he was still wanting to hang out.  So he came over after he got off work on Friday.  Before coming over though, he stopped at the store and picked up a few things for dinner and stuff for lunch Saturday (he knew my fridge was pretty empty lol) and grabbed a couple of movies for us to kick back and watch.  It wasn’t like he was waiting on me hand and foot (I wasn’t feeling that bad by Friday night), but it was pretty nice having someone who voluntarily made an effort to do even some stuff for me without me even asking.  Like I said, I’m really not looking to get into anything serious, but I’m really liking him being around.  Guess we will just have to wait and see where this might go.