Long week

It’s been another long week. Too many hours working, too little hours getting to rest.

And what little rest I’ve had. Work has simply been what it’s been. Same old, same old. Just working too much, too little appreciation. But it is what it is. The fact is I still have a job, and despite appreciation, I do enjoy what I do.

On the other hand……

So I’ve been dating this guy for about 6 months now. I actually tried to end it a couple months ago, I knew it wasn’t something I wanted and that he wasn’t right for me, but he really didn’t want it to be over and well, he really has some good aspects. So I gave it a little more time. That was a bad idea. As came to light this last week.

So I posted last weekend that I messed up. I got myself a DUI. Not a good thing, especially where I live, as our state is all about penalizing DUI’s more than any other infracture of the law. But the fact is I am guilty, I have to suck it up and deal with it. I’m ok with that. Well, I accept that, not necessarily ok with it.

But the big thing is what came with last weekend besides the legal issues. The guy I’ve been dating apparently had an issue with me going out by myself. A big issue. He has been accusing me of cheating all week and looking through my phone after I’ve fallen asleep. I did tell him what happened. I was a little hesistant, because I was embarrassed about being pulled over, but I had no issue telling him I had gone out to the pool hall.

Apparently, though, choosing to go out somewhere without him hanging on me and smacking my ass is a total indication of cheating and means that I deserve to have all of my privacy violated and that I deserve to be grilled on any and every person who chooses to email or text me. Earlier this week, an old boyfriend texted me out of the blue. Very little was said, he asked how I was doing, and it ended with him saying to take care and that he was deleted my number from his online backup so he wouldn’t be bugging me again. But he searched my phone, didn’t read anything that was actually said, then grilled me about who the hell it was. Seriously???

Ok, was that bad enough? Nope. So Saturday night he came over. I dozed off as we sat on the couch watching TV. Well as soon as I dozed off he apparently took that as permission to go through my phone again. This time he went through all of my emails. He woke me up demanding to know who some guy was. As I slowly came to trying to figure out what he was talking about, with my phone being shoved in my face, I finally responded by asking why an email from 2 years ago even fucking mattered.

This is the problem with dating someone younger. They are always so insecure. I have been in this position too many fucking times, I don’t want to be here again. I do not want to have to feel obligated to explain my every move. I don’t want to feel required to justify every word I say. He feel bad, blames it on having too much to drink, but the feeling was already there. If he hadn’t been drinking, he would have just made up some other excuse. I will never be free from accusation, even though he admits I have not done anything to deserve it.

I can’t risk the possible results that staying with him could have. It could be anything from him simply giving me hell and accusing me every other week to him beating the hell out of me. I’ve already been through the latter and that person nearly killed me. Why the hell would I put myself into that position again? I can’t. I simply can’t take the risk that it could go there. Only 6 months in and he’s already decided I have no right no privacy, that he even has the right to rifle through my work emails as he sees fit. He has admitted he doesn’t actually read what is said, that he had an issue with the simple fact that is was a guy who sent me a text, an email. I work with guys, they send me emails asking for stuff that I am responsible for taking care of. What happens when he feels someone is sending me too many emails?

I can’t take that risk. I have too many things to worry about right now. I can’t worry about the possibility of someone else going off the deep end for unfounded reasons and possibly sending me to the hospital this time, if not killing me. I liked this guy, I would never have thought he’d do something like that to me. But the simple fact is that he is much stronger than me, bigger than me, and I don’t know what anyone is capable of. I just don’t know that I am willing to take the chance. I’m scared of what it could lead to.

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Deed is done

Yes, it’s done. I was planning to meet him for drinks after work, but instead he pushed the why and asked, through text, if it was over. I didn’t lie, I told him yes.

As I figured, he was hurt and upset about it. He didn’t understand why and I really didn’t know quite how to explain it. I was honest and told him it was in part things he had done. And that it was also me, I just wasn’t really comfortable anymore, and it wasn’t fair to either of us to keep going. He didn’t agree but accepted it.

I feel 100 times better now that it’s over and feel like I can breathe again.

It’s hard

It really is hard when you know you need to end something. Timing never seems to be right.

I’m struggling right now with how to end things with A. I have no doubt that it needs to be over. I can’t do it through a text though, way too tacky. I can’t do it on pool nights either. I do it at the beginning of the night, that’s just mean. “Hey, I don’t want to date you anymore, good luck with your match!” Yeah, not cool. At the end of the night? That’s not nice either. Both of us tired and been drinking some, gotta work the next day, and deal with him crying for who knows how long? Nope. But damn it, I don’t want him coming over this weekend either. I want it to be over!

What to do.

Made it through

Well I made it through another week. This was a bit of a rough one. I really can’t wait for this Monday night pool league to be over. Only 2 more weeks. Actually, after tomorrow, only 1 more week.

So I found out on Friday that the new software for my other department is definitely a go, just waiting on legal t sign off which should happen sometime this week. I wish they would hurry. Why? Because I’m stuck on a very tight schedule. I have to have everything up and running in line with the release of our new mortgage software. I have less than 3 months right now. Ugh. Lots of overtime is in my future!!!

Ok, so, I did work a bunch this weekend. I told A I was going to be working a bunch this weekend. Of course, as a guy, he didn’t get the hint. He came over anyway. Pretty much he was just distracting and in my way all weekend. As usual, or what is now the usual, we had no plans to go anywhere or do anything. It’s been months now that I have gone anywhere and had some fun on a weekend. I hate it. T wants to go out next Friday for a birthday Friday at one of our bars. I want to but told her I probably couldn’t. She didn’t understand why, I told her for the same reason I stay in every weekend these days. She said fuck it, we are going. I’m good with that!

I’m pretty sure my relationship is over. I was trying to give it a little time because I knew I was overly touchy because of stress at work and whatever. But the fact is, I’m just done. I’m done with his pouty over not enough attention, I’m done apologizing for being stressed, I’m done feeling bad for not being in the mood to fool around. I’m just done. I realized it today when he seemed to be pouting all morning while I tried to work. And when I got done working and he sat next to me on the couch. He put his hand on my leg and I just so was wishing he wouldn’t touch me. It just isn’t working for me.

I don’t quite know how to break it to him. He won’t be happy and he will probably cry and pout. Whatever. I don’t know that I even care anymore.

Hope y’all had a good weekend, better than mine!!

Ahhh

Ahhh, it’s Sunday and I finally get some time to kick back and relax. I’m sitting here on my back porch enjoying the breeze, watching butterflies flitter over my little garden, and just kicking back.

Yes, he is still here. But alas, his allergies are still bugging him too bad so he’s sitting inside playing video games. I have to leave in a just a couple hours to go pick up my son. What’s the point of him sticking around if we aren’t even spending time together? Oh yeah, his game console is only working if it’s plugged in with an HDMI cable, and his TV isn’t HDMI. I think allergies is just an excuse today.

Whatever.

So my garden is really growing! Everything has all kinds of new growth. And the tomato plants are just going nuts with new blooms!

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Our first tomato is really growing too, and a second one is growing right behind it. I know, you can’t really see it in this pic, but it’s there. 🙂

And check out how big all the herb plants are getting!

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Hopefully that picture doesn’t come out as dark as it looked on my phone! It’s really ended up being so much fun to have all this stuff growing in my backyard. Makes me wonder why I waited so long to do something like this!

Well, I hope you are all having as nice of a Sunday as me!! 🙂

Soooooo

Ok, so last night wasn’t totally horrible, but it was far from great. In fact, it was about boring as hell. I actually had to force him to choose between continuing to read his book, watch some tv or play some pool. He still wouldn’t fucking choose!! “Whatever you want to do.” OMG grow a fucking spine and have a fucking opinion!

Never in my life have I ever known someone who cared so little and had so few opinions about what they do, what they eat, who’s around, where they go. Seriously, his response is always the fucking same. Whatever I want. What I want is to fucking hit him when he says that!

And what’s worse is all this work me and T have done to the backyard. He’s allergies are too bad and he really wants nothing to do with it. Seriously? Me and her could all but live out here now! But no, he’s too allergic to every fucking thing. Oh, yeah, he finally told me that he’s massively allergic to dogs and cats. Wtf? I have 3 dogs and a cat that I love to dote on!

What the hell am I supposed to do?!?!?!