It’s been another long week. Too many hours working, too little hours getting to rest.
And what little rest I’ve had. Work has simply been what it’s been. Same old, same old. Just working too much, too little appreciation. But it is what it is. The fact is I still have a job, and despite appreciation, I do enjoy what I do.
On the other hand……
So I’ve been dating this guy for about 6 months now. I actually tried to end it a couple months ago, I knew it wasn’t something I wanted and that he wasn’t right for me, but he really didn’t want it to be over and well, he really has some good aspects. So I gave it a little more time. That was a bad idea. As came to light this last week.
So I posted last weekend that I messed up. I got myself a DUI. Not a good thing, especially where I live, as our state is all about penalizing DUI’s more than any other infracture of the law. But the fact is I am guilty, I have to suck it up and deal with it. I’m ok with that. Well, I accept that, not necessarily ok with it.
But the big thing is what came with last weekend besides the legal issues. The guy I’ve been dating apparently had an issue with me going out by myself. A big issue. He has been accusing me of cheating all week and looking through my phone after I’ve fallen asleep. I did tell him what happened. I was a little hesistant, because I was embarrassed about being pulled over, but I had no issue telling him I had gone out to the pool hall.
Apparently, though, choosing to go out somewhere without him hanging on me and smacking my ass is a total indication of cheating and means that I deserve to have all of my privacy violated and that I deserve to be grilled on any and every person who chooses to email or text me. Earlier this week, an old boyfriend texted me out of the blue. Very little was said, he asked how I was doing, and it ended with him saying to take care and that he was deleted my number from his online backup so he wouldn’t be bugging me again. But he searched my phone, didn’t read anything that was actually said, then grilled me about who the hell it was. Seriously???
Ok, was that bad enough? Nope. So Saturday night he came over. I dozed off as we sat on the couch watching TV. Well as soon as I dozed off he apparently took that as permission to go through my phone again. This time he went through all of my emails. He woke me up demanding to know who some guy was. As I slowly came to trying to figure out what he was talking about, with my phone being shoved in my face, I finally responded by asking why an email from 2 years ago even fucking mattered.
This is the problem with dating someone younger. They are always so insecure. I have been in this position too many fucking times, I don’t want to be here again. I do not want to have to feel obligated to explain my every move. I don’t want to feel required to justify every word I say. He feel bad, blames it on having too much to drink, but the feeling was already there. If he hadn’t been drinking, he would have just made up some other excuse. I will never be free from accusation, even though he admits I have not done anything to deserve it.
I can’t risk the possible results that staying with him could have. It could be anything from him simply giving me hell and accusing me every other week to him beating the hell out of me. I’ve already been through the latter and that person nearly killed me. Why the hell would I put myself into that position again? I can’t. I simply can’t take the risk that it could go there. Only 6 months in and he’s already decided I have no right no privacy, that he even has the right to rifle through my work emails as he sees fit. He has admitted he doesn’t actually read what is said, that he had an issue with the simple fact that is was a guy who sent me a text, an email. I work with guys, they send me emails asking for stuff that I am responsible for taking care of. What happens when he feels someone is sending me too many emails?
I can’t take that risk. I have too many things to worry about right now. I can’t worry about the possibility of someone else going off the deep end for unfounded reasons and possibly sending me to the hospital this time, if not killing me. I liked this guy, I would never have thought he’d do something like that to me. But the simple fact is that he is much stronger than me, bigger than me, and I don’t know what anyone is capable of. I just don’t know that I am willing to take the chance. I’m scared of what it could lead to.