Hello Hello

I know, it’s been quite a while since you’ve seen a post from me.  I do apologize to everyone who has wondered where I disappeared to.  Quite honestly, work has taken over my life.  And I do mean that.  I have been averaging about 80 hours a week, working 7 days a week and every night.  The only time I’ve taken off for myself is Wednesday nights when I have my pool league.

So, how have things been?  Well, I have to be honest, not so well.  The fact is, I’m cracking under the pressure of work.  This long (about 6 months now) with these kind of hours and the lack of support from coworkers and management, not to mention the snide comments and nasty cracks about the new system that I’ve worked to hard on from the users, I’m totally coming undone.  Really, for the first time in about 12 years, these people have brought me to the point of actually wanting to walk away from my job and my career.  I have loved working for this company for over a decade but I have spent the last several weeks wondering what other options may be out there for me.  Why should I kill myself just so I can sit there and listen to people tell me how I’m not doing enough every single day??  Not to mention the fact that I have given up time desparately needed to help my son with school, giving up time taken care of my home, grocery shopping to keep food in my house, and I’m not eating or sleeping well.

But outside of work.  Life has been crazy, especially tonight.  So for the last like 6 months I’ve been dating a guy.  Here’s the thing…I like him, he’s fun, cute, easy to hang out with, easy to be myself with (mostly), but ugh.  He’s younger than me.  I know, that should not matter.  But he’s 8 years younger than me.  And he makes like a 1/3rd what I make.  Generally, I’m not one to be hung up on how much a guy makes.  However, he lives at home, his mom buys all the groceries (and he can EAT!), all he has to pay for is his car payment and insurance.  And still he is always broke.  I have stayed in every weekend for over a month now because I can’t afford to pay for both of us to go out.  And I hate that.  I don’t mind staying in sometimes, it can be nice, but I hate staying in for over a month because I can’t afford to take a guy out and because he can’t afford to even take himself out.

What’s worse?  So with work and everything, I’ve been getting quite depressed.  This weekend I just needed to get out.  Right now I’m wishing I had just stayed in.  So it wasn’t that great of a night out, but it was a night out.  I told him I needed a night off.  At that point, I hadn’t decided what I was doing.  Ultimately, I decided I needed to get out of the house.  So I went to the pool hall.  It was ok, I wasn’t playing that great, but I was out, I was around people.  I talked to a few people I knew, had a few (or more) drinks.  Ok, had a several beers.  But I was totally ok.  By midnight, little before, I decided I was done, I was ready to be gone.  I did decide to run to the diner up the road from there and see my friend who’s a waitress there.  I had a little food and a couple cups of coffee.  Apparently I should have hung out there longer.

I headed home, and less than a minute away from my driveway, I got pulled over.  I was speeding.  Ok, I admit, yes I was.  But that was it.  However, being a Saturday night, the cop decided to do a DUI check on me.  I totally passed their roadside test, but then they decided to give me a breathalyzer test anyway.  Ooops, I didn’t pass that.  Yeah, because my life has not been totally sucking enough, I was arrested tonight for driving drunk.  The kicker?  I appeared totally sober to them, and even they were surprised the breathalyzer came back as over the limit.  They were all pretty nice, but still.  They had my car towed, took me to the police station to process me, my license is technically suspended, I have to go to court and will probably have to spend a day or 2 in jail.  I was already feeling like my life was complete shit.  Icing on the freaking cake tonight.  All because I was going a few miles over the speed limit.

Don’t get me wrong, I know it was my own fault.  I know I was in the wrong.  Doesn’t make it suck less that I was pulled over 30 seconds from home.  And I helped TC, my roomie, out like a month ago to get her car out of repo and gave her money I couldn’t really afford to.  Now I’m going to have fines and I definitely can’t afford to pay them!

Basically, tonight turned out to be really crappy.  I was already feeling extremely depressed, now even more so.  Why didn’t I just stay home??


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