Making it, but barely

I don’t even know what to say. Things have not been going well. Quite frankly, I’m tired of waking up every morning.

Right now my life revolves around work and only work. I don’t do anything but work and yet I’m regularly told (not by my boss) that I’m not doing enough, not available enough for people needing help with the new system, not fast enough to get fixes done. And I had my annual review done this week by my boss. She had a lot of good things to say, but it wasn’t all good. I was told that I was invaluable, that the projects we’ve been working on all year would not have been possible without me. And that because of that, they have tolerated my loss of patience with my users. In other words, if it weren’t for my contributions to the current projects, I would not have a job right now.

To be fair, I admit that my patience has been short lately. I’m still working 80 hours a week, I am expected to work if I’m home sick, on vacation, nights and weekends. I’m generally lucky if I get 5 hours of sleep a night. On top of that, I have been scolded for not getting things done early enough so I’ve begun going into the office 3 hours early. And yet it’s still not enough. It’s like every relationship I attempt. There will never be anything I can do that will be enough. It’s not physically possible for me to be more available. But obviously I’m wrong. I am failing. At the only thing that I have in my life right now.

I know, that sounds wrong. But my kid is almost 16, he only interacts with me when he feels like it. I do the same thing with my mom, so I can’t really complain too much. And T, the roommate, she’s never around anymore. When she is, she isn’t really interested in what’s going on with me.

All in all, my stress is through the roof. I feel like I’m failing at everything. I’m in a hole that I don’t know how to get out of. It just feels like it’s getting deeper and deeper. If work issues wasn’t enough, I have court on Wednesday for my DUI, which I can’t tell anyone about. T said she would go with me, I have a feeling that I may end up having to go alone. I’m scared of what will happen with it. I know it was my own stupid mistake, I know I have to pay my dues, but I’m scared they will be overly harsh. After all, the last time I was in court the prosecutor told me how I needed to learn my place as woman. Maybe that’s my issue, maybe I’ll never learn my place.

Long week

It’s been another long week. Too many hours working, too little hours getting to rest.

And what little rest I’ve had. Work has simply been what it’s been. Same old, same old. Just working too much, too little appreciation. But it is what it is. The fact is I still have a job, and despite appreciation, I do enjoy what I do.

On the other hand……

So I’ve been dating this guy for about 6 months now. I actually tried to end it a couple months ago, I knew it wasn’t something I wanted and that he wasn’t right for me, but he really didn’t want it to be over and well, he really has some good aspects. So I gave it a little more time. That was a bad idea. As came to light this last week.

So I posted last weekend that I messed up. I got myself a DUI. Not a good thing, especially where I live, as our state is all about penalizing DUI’s more than any other infracture of the law. But the fact is I am guilty, I have to suck it up and deal with it. I’m ok with that. Well, I accept that, not necessarily ok with it.

But the big thing is what came with last weekend besides the legal issues. The guy I’ve been dating apparently had an issue with me going out by myself. A big issue. He has been accusing me of cheating all week and looking through my phone after I’ve fallen asleep. I did tell him what happened. I was a little hesistant, because I was embarrassed about being pulled over, but I had no issue telling him I had gone out to the pool hall.

Apparently, though, choosing to go out somewhere without him hanging on me and smacking my ass is a total indication of cheating and means that I deserve to have all of my privacy violated and that I deserve to be grilled on any and every person who chooses to email or text me. Earlier this week, an old boyfriend texted me out of the blue. Very little was said, he asked how I was doing, and it ended with him saying to take care and that he was deleted my number from his online backup so he wouldn’t be bugging me again. But he searched my phone, didn’t read anything that was actually said, then grilled me about who the hell it was. Seriously???

Ok, was that bad enough? Nope. So Saturday night he came over. I dozed off as we sat on the couch watching TV. Well as soon as I dozed off he apparently took that as permission to go through my phone again. This time he went through all of my emails. He woke me up demanding to know who some guy was. As I slowly came to trying to figure out what he was talking about, with my phone being shoved in my face, I finally responded by asking why an email from 2 years ago even fucking mattered.

This is the problem with dating someone younger. They are always so insecure. I have been in this position too many fucking times, I don’t want to be here again. I do not want to have to feel obligated to explain my every move. I don’t want to feel required to justify every word I say. He feel bad, blames it on having too much to drink, but the feeling was already there. If he hadn’t been drinking, he would have just made up some other excuse. I will never be free from accusation, even though he admits I have not done anything to deserve it.

I can’t risk the possible results that staying with him could have. It could be anything from him simply giving me hell and accusing me every other week to him beating the hell out of me. I’ve already been through the latter and that person nearly killed me. Why the hell would I put myself into that position again? I can’t. I simply can’t take the risk that it could go there. Only 6 months in and he’s already decided I have no right no privacy, that he even has the right to rifle through my work emails as he sees fit. He has admitted he doesn’t actually read what is said, that he had an issue with the simple fact that is was a guy who sent me a text, an email. I work with guys, they send me emails asking for stuff that I am responsible for taking care of. What happens when he feels someone is sending me too many emails?

I can’t take that risk. I have too many things to worry about right now. I can’t worry about the possibility of someone else going off the deep end for unfounded reasons and possibly sending me to the hospital this time, if not killing me. I liked this guy, I would never have thought he’d do something like that to me. But the simple fact is that he is much stronger than me, bigger than me, and I don’t know what anyone is capable of. I just don’t know that I am willing to take the chance. I’m scared of what it could lead to.

Hello Hello

I know, it’s been quite a while since you’ve seen a post from me.  I do apologize to everyone who has wondered where I disappeared to.  Quite honestly, work has taken over my life.  And I do mean that.  I have been averaging about 80 hours a week, working 7 days a week and every night.  The only time I’ve taken off for myself is Wednesday nights when I have my pool league.

So, how have things been?  Well, I have to be honest, not so well.  The fact is, I’m cracking under the pressure of work.  This long (about 6 months now) with these kind of hours and the lack of support from coworkers and management, not to mention the snide comments and nasty cracks about the new system that I’ve worked to hard on from the users, I’m totally coming undone.  Really, for the first time in about 12 years, these people have brought me to the point of actually wanting to walk away from my job and my career.  I have loved working for this company for over a decade but I have spent the last several weeks wondering what other options may be out there for me.  Why should I kill myself just so I can sit there and listen to people tell me how I’m not doing enough every single day??  Not to mention the fact that I have given up time desparately needed to help my son with school, giving up time taken care of my home, grocery shopping to keep food in my house, and I’m not eating or sleeping well.

But outside of work.  Life has been crazy, especially tonight.  So for the last like 6 months I’ve been dating a guy.  Here’s the thing…I like him, he’s fun, cute, easy to hang out with, easy to be myself with (mostly), but ugh.  He’s younger than me.  I know, that should not matter.  But he’s 8 years younger than me.  And he makes like a 1/3rd what I make.  Generally, I’m not one to be hung up on how much a guy makes.  However, he lives at home, his mom buys all the groceries (and he can EAT!), all he has to pay for is his car payment and insurance.  And still he is always broke.  I have stayed in every weekend for over a month now because I can’t afford to pay for both of us to go out.  And I hate that.  I don’t mind staying in sometimes, it can be nice, but I hate staying in for over a month because I can’t afford to take a guy out and because he can’t afford to even take himself out.

What’s worse?  So with work and everything, I’ve been getting quite depressed.  This weekend I just needed to get out.  Right now I’m wishing I had just stayed in.  So it wasn’t that great of a night out, but it was a night out.  I told him I needed a night off.  At that point, I hadn’t decided what I was doing.  Ultimately, I decided I needed to get out of the house.  So I went to the pool hall.  It was ok, I wasn’t playing that great, but I was out, I was around people.  I talked to a few people I knew, had a few (or more) drinks.  Ok, had a several beers.  But I was totally ok.  By midnight, little before, I decided I was done, I was ready to be gone.  I did decide to run to the diner up the road from there and see my friend who’s a waitress there.  I had a little food and a couple cups of coffee.  Apparently I should have hung out there longer.

I headed home, and less than a minute away from my driveway, I got pulled over.  I was speeding.  Ok, I admit, yes I was.  But that was it.  However, being a Saturday night, the cop decided to do a DUI check on me.  I totally passed their roadside test, but then they decided to give me a breathalyzer test anyway.  Ooops, I didn’t pass that.  Yeah, because my life has not been totally sucking enough, I was arrested tonight for driving drunk.  The kicker?  I appeared totally sober to them, and even they were surprised the breathalyzer came back as over the limit.  They were all pretty nice, but still.  They had my car towed, took me to the police station to process me, my license is technically suspended, I have to go to court and will probably have to spend a day or 2 in jail.  I was already feeling like my life was complete shit.  Icing on the freaking cake tonight.  All because I was going a few miles over the speed limit.

Don’t get me wrong, I know it was my own fault.  I know I was in the wrong.  Doesn’t make it suck less that I was pulled over 30 seconds from home.  And I helped TC, my roomie, out like a month ago to get her car out of repo and gave her money I couldn’t really afford to.  Now I’m going to have fines and I definitely can’t afford to pay them!

Basically, tonight turned out to be really crappy.  I was already feeling extremely depressed, now even more so.  Why didn’t I just stay home??

Deed is done

Yes, it’s done. I was planning to meet him for drinks after work, but instead he pushed the why and asked, through text, if it was over. I didn’t lie, I told him yes.

As I figured, he was hurt and upset about it. He didn’t understand why and I really didn’t know quite how to explain it. I was honest and told him it was in part things he had done. And that it was also me, I just wasn’t really comfortable anymore, and it wasn’t fair to either of us to keep going. He didn’t agree but accepted it.

I feel 100 times better now that it’s over and feel like I can breathe again.

It’s hard

It really is hard when you know you need to end something. Timing never seems to be right.

I’m struggling right now with how to end things with A. I have no doubt that it needs to be over. I can’t do it through a text though, way too tacky. I can’t do it on pool nights either. I do it at the beginning of the night, that’s just mean. “Hey, I don’t want to date you anymore, good luck with your match!” Yeah, not cool. At the end of the night? That’s not nice either. Both of us tired and been drinking some, gotta work the next day, and deal with him crying for who knows how long? Nope. But damn it, I don’t want him coming over this weekend either. I want it to be over!

What to do.

Garden updates

Ok, besides the bitching in my last post, I wanted to give updates on mine and T’s garden. Holy crap everything is growing! We have 2 tomatoes on out one big plant and tons of new blooms. We have our first tomato growing on our Roma tomato plant. Most o our plants are actually growing blooms. And did you know that basil plants have flowers? I didn’t know that until yesterday when we had our first flowers bloom on it! Ok, enough talking, here’s some pictures.

20130414-171453.jpg

20130414-171503.jpg

20130414-171522.jpg

20130414-171531.jpg

20130414-171541.jpg

Made it through

Well I made it through another week. This was a bit of a rough one. I really can’t wait for this Monday night pool league to be over. Only 2 more weeks. Actually, after tomorrow, only 1 more week.

So I found out on Friday that the new software for my other department is definitely a go, just waiting on legal t sign off which should happen sometime this week. I wish they would hurry. Why? Because I’m stuck on a very tight schedule. I have to have everything up and running in line with the release of our new mortgage software. I have less than 3 months right now. Ugh. Lots of overtime is in my future!!!

Ok, so, I did work a bunch this weekend. I told A I was going to be working a bunch this weekend. Of course, as a guy, he didn’t get the hint. He came over anyway. Pretty much he was just distracting and in my way all weekend. As usual, or what is now the usual, we had no plans to go anywhere or do anything. It’s been months now that I have gone anywhere and had some fun on a weekend. I hate it. T wants to go out next Friday for a birthday Friday at one of our bars. I want to but told her I probably couldn’t. She didn’t understand why, I told her for the same reason I stay in every weekend these days. She said fuck it, we are going. I’m good with that!

I’m pretty sure my relationship is over. I was trying to give it a little time because I knew I was overly touchy because of stress at work and whatever. But the fact is, I’m just done. I’m done with his pouty over not enough attention, I’m done apologizing for being stressed, I’m done feeling bad for not being in the mood to fool around. I’m just done. I realized it today when he seemed to be pouting all morning while I tried to work. And when I got done working and he sat next to me on the couch. He put his hand on my leg and I just so was wishing he wouldn’t touch me. It just isn’t working for me.

I don’t quite know how to break it to him. He won’t be happy and he will probably cry and pout. Whatever. I don’t know that I even care anymore.

Hope y’all had a good weekend, better than mine!!